A Question of Worth

Last week I sort of found out why I wasn't given the role I had interviewed for when I first joined my current company. It had to do with my lack of work experience, whereby the role was given to the other new recruit who had triple the years of experience than I.


Perhaps it was the way in which I was told this new piece of information. Or the fact that I had on many occasions asked the same question, "how come I was given a different portfolio?" to the seniors/bosses and their response was always the same - our big boss saw potential in me and wanted to groom me. In fact this was what the lady from HR had told me when trying to convince me to take their offer (where the salary was beneath my expectation). I fell for it. And I rejected two other subsequent offers from banks. And perhaps this was why I felt so crushed inside when I discovered that I had been 'looked down' upon at that point in time.

I was wallowing in disappointment and rejection, when a friend pointed out that as a business decision it was sound, value was only seen when tested. In my mind, I knew it was true but I still had my "buts". But they could have told me the truth. But that particular boss (not my big boss) shouldn't have made such a decision. But why did they have to spin some lie for me? But... But... But...

Turning around something like this into a positive point of view is difficult for me. Although I knew very well that there was a silver lining to things, my mind just gravitates to the negative side. They call it myelination. A result of years of an accustomed way of thinking.

The silver lining? I have learned so much in my current role. Being pushed to assume responsibilities beyond my expectations has made me learn to adapt to seeking answers and making decisions on my own. The biggest challenge was and still is providing effective leadership to someone who has over 20 years experience and balancing the act of respect between both parties. It also does not hurt that I've earned the respect of my big boss and colleagues (the seniors and same levels).

However, the troubling part was the rumours that had made its way to me. There will be a portfolio reshuffle in May when a new experienced hire joins us. And rumour has it that there is some intention to change my position to what I originally was supposed to hold. I guess my value was only apparent after a year plus of me working here. I'm a little reluctant with this arrangement as it would literally be a demotion of my responsibilities and freedom of decision but it would also be a learning experience and a plus point for my CV. Another disturbing thing is that I would be ousting someone whom I'm pretty close to (well, not really me as it would not be my decision) and I do not feel at ease to do such a thing to a fellow sister. But (yes, but... it's a good but) all this is still rumour. Hints I have seen and heard but the final decision still lies with my big boss. And he seems to be happy with me handling my current portfolio.

Decisions. Decisions. I feel that I may have to make some major decisions in the near future yet again.