In between

Many times I seem to be an outlier, not by choice but by circumstances. Slightly off centre, never entirely with the flow of the majority. But not too far off to be considered eccentric.


Sometimes I try to fit in but end up going back to what I'm comfortable with, which isn't the hip and popular choices that should be natural for a person my age.

For example, I seem to click better with older people in general. At work my cubicle is surrounded by colleagues my age or younger but naturally I gravitate to much older colleagues who are seated in the next block. I guess one reason is I don't fancy discussing what's the latest trends, one up-ing each other on having the best jokes, gossips and NSFW matters. I actually learn a lot from conversations with older people, things that would be useful eventually.

I'm also always stuck in this limbo between the Chinese group and the English group. I don't fit in entirely with the Chinese group because of the language barrier. But I also don't fit in naturally with the English group because I'm not westernised enough. So I end up hovering between the two and never really getting fully inducted into either groups. So again I end up building my roots with the 'miscellaneous' which ends up in unlikely friendships, which I'm thankful for.

Somehow in the different chapters of my life, I've been given unexpected roles not of my asking, and for that I feel there is an invisible wall separating me from my contemporaries. I sense that some curate what they share with me and I'm always the last few to know about certain non-work things. But it's ok, I'm not kiasu for non-essential info anyway.

Perhaps most people feel this awkwardness of not fitting in entirely. But because we feel it independently and asynchronous with others, we think it is a lonesome experience unique to us. Our worldview is really in our minds and many times it is farthest from reality. But it is usually the lonely road that takes us to the higher grounds of knowledge. And at the end of the day it is better to lose the battle but win the war.

Signing off as my annual post.