Cyclical

It's pretty depressing when you realise the same shit is happening again. As much as I'd like to break the cycle, it always rounds back to the same (or similar) outcome. And then I know it's time to press the refresh button and purge the past. The cycles seem to get shorter as I mature. Maybe I get better at identifying the early signals and thus I start the purging process earlier than waiting until shit hits the fan.


I was really optimistic three quarters ago when the journey began, but the downs and ups started appearing. And these days, the downs are more frequent and its getting harder to get back to equilibrium than before. I keep thinking how good I had it before and I left it all for this. It doesn't help that I get almost daily updates on the fun things I am missing out on. And on the other matter, my mind is telling me that it's the same old same old and it's not worth wasting time and effort on. Perhaps this is a divine sign.

As I told my only trustworthy friend here, once I get demotivated to a certain threshold, it is very hard to think positive and look for the upside of staying on. I keep thinking of when I would leave and once I decide on leaving, I will mentally start letting go. I want to try to make it to a full year but I fear my mind will overrule my will. And my taking on additional responsibility this month doesn't help in the decision making of whether to suck it up and march on or throw in the towel and look for another opportunity. Perhaps I'm just too spoiled for the good life, where there are little to no politics if you are nice to everyone and issues can be resolved through reasoning.

My all-time strategy as peacemaker seem to not work here. And I am forced to thread carefully and put on a fake smile even when I know that I am being used as a scapegoat. The incidents don't occur on a daily basis, but it's very hard to forgive and forget when they happen. And it seems to be a culture rather than just confined instances. For example, as a newbie I would try to smile at as many floor mates as possible, but half of the time I get sour faces staring back at me. After awhile, we just learn to avert eyes. Amygdala hijacks seem to be the norm. I wonder whether the managers are given training on how to be a leader. Whether or not such training is effective, but at least it gives us awareness of what to look out and avoid or how we can improve ourselves.

Perhaps it is the tone from the top that sets this culture. If it really is that, then change is almost impossible. And those who can't adapt will have to leave. I just feel that there is a lack of respect among peers as well as all levels. I guess I am spoiled by the education sector where people are supposed to walk the talk to set good examples for their students. Where hierarchy is often not the ruling factor. Even if it is all put on, there is a certain level of civility.

Anyway, I'll just need to monitor the situation (both) and see where it takes me.